Self interest is not a recrimination.
Embracing life counters universals. Justification for anything. Justification a motivational tool. Embracing it all embraces re-education.
Cuts both ways. Depends on your bunkmates or who else is at the meeting. Travel isolated, roomier. Private space. Air Pods. Unstressful. On a mission. For work. Real identity. Alone, at home, crave hulls or meetings. Be charged: freedom. Be grounded: universal warmth. “Lots of senior homes around here” Kellerman. “They look pretty nice” Keggerman.
EXCAVATION
The Purloined Letter by Edgar Allan Poe
Taking a cue from the protagonist in Poe’s “The Premature Burial.” While history is replete with stories of being buried alive and while we may be prone to fits of fear about it, we fell asleep in the close quarters of a ship, seeking shelter from the elements. We’re being jolted awake, memory of living pushing away fear. -Surface from the hull. Embrace life.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Developing a problem is the first step. Identifying problem as a space is a step. All give entrance to meetings. All present well falsifiable interpersonal connections: manipulatable relations hiding the sheen of self interest.
EXCAVATION
“Planes must be constructed and problems posed…” Deleuze and Guttari, What is Philosophy? p.27
Habituated by space it takes strength to do a new or a different. Habituated by desire it takes passivity to embrace ideal. The sheen of doubt glistens atop desire.
How far can I push it.
Have you ever watched him on ? “No, what’s that?” One of his worst airings.
In a crowd, drawn to the object of desire. The same in a city. Bodies floating to the sixteenth floor or thereabouts. Howling at 3:34 a.m. filling where fantasies left off in the untapped reservoir between buildings. From the street. An echoing.
–
This is not a meeting.
There is a space of anonymity. Of the contented being. Outside the meeting. On the chairlift with eyes closed. Concerned with things other than, things more central than. Motivation for different things. Duty? Concern? Would it be Keggerman or Kellerman? (Certainly not Beatrice) who’d say good and evil doesn’t matter. Not that there isn’t a right or proper. Inabsolute? Define the space, the path, the slope (of it? It itself?) not in a meeting. In anonymity. Not mysticism / not escape / not decreation. …
Can it only be defined / happened in the external. By appearance, others seeing you (and how)
Or better, being so deep in it that it doesn’t matter. That it’s not something thought about. Those who think about it and comment on it are there to use it. Which is an in it as well.
“Everybody needs a side knowledge, a side tradition, a hidden identity / hidden self” truly Kellerman, speaking to place cause of reaching.
There’s a place where people want what they think about you to matter and you can see where being famous would be attractive there. Because others. Because then you control. Then you can have a say, and what others think about you and they actually do think about you in a way that you want them to think about you. Someone else coming into existence, because I see them. Dissonance: traveling between New York and Michigan and he can see there’s a place to fall in love by love, that means escape escape somebody else be somebody else have something else do other things. La Boheme entices.
You’re on the subway. Looking at people looking at you. People look at you looking at them nobody paying attention to anybody paying attention to everybody, knowing that everyone’s paying attention to you. Thinking they’re paying attention to you, maybe hoping they’re paying attention to you, maybe wanting them to pay attention to you. And you wanted to fit into what the attention is that they’re paying you. Your self perception rebelling against perception. The rebelling believing that’s you knowing it’s you in rebellion. The perception you want them to believe you want to believe they have a view. Can be strain. Can be weakness. Depends on what you’re feeling that day of that perception of you -the one that they have that believe is worth believing to then rebel against -or abide.
It’s enticing and intoxicating to comfortably be a stranger. Relish in being new and out of place. The space of wanting someone to be thinking about you in a definite way, forming to that and rebelling against it. Comfortable being a stranger.
“Otherwise,” says another voice “if you don’t believe people are thinking about you and doing things specifically to or because of you, how will you know you exist or matter in that world, in the city “
Attribute agency to random events. The pipe banging. Or it’s a ghost. But all targeted at you. Because otherwise…[do you exist there? Where’s your agency or recognition that you have agency / are an agent ?] You need the external, the other to not be random -to somehow have it be about you.
And when desire requires another person. And when desire requires a compact with another person being on the scene, re writing the scene with you, for you, about because you and you about because them. And then more of you. And more of you on the scene. Expanding the scenes. Breaks. And filigree out. And about. And among and because. Then desires again. With connections and roots. Rooting for you, sometimes despite.
Desire requires inciting. Waiting for someone or something to incite. Can you do something about it, help bring it about? Change scenes ??
Or if someone does you wrong? Then what
Desire and fences
When identity is skiing down a slope, form patterned or cogent in view -audience, video, of self or viewed. Commenter defines the pattern. You: keep skiing. Some: unaware. Some: fit form to pattern to view to intention ally make a specific impression. Carries power. Or position. Some: others, how keep carving, tossing snow, freshly groomed, well passed over: how. Is a more important question then who or why. Recognizing the power is of momentum. Without it, trapped within. With it, skiing, unrecogentizable: more like skating. Except. There is no thaw to a slope. What explains, explains. What doesn’t, is not a state we generally accept, in a Bayesian sense. Belief preferred in explanation, in who and why. Critchley calls to mysticism. Critchley writes about Bowie. Ever changing. How (as Ciardi asks) does it mean.
Is it any surprise Poe created Dupin: Sherlock Holmes. And Hans Pfall is a hoax. Whereas The Colour Out of Space is very much real, The Haunter in the Dark.
Eating glass in the trunk of a car. There are millions of us here. “It’s not bad, if you eat small enough pieces. Slow enough” “Can taste the flavors, the differences between one piece and another.” She bears the pain, in a Poe sense. Arising from her desires. For some reason she has a clock. “Your predecessor wasted too much of my time. Took too long.” Not like Lovecraft, uncovering something going on in the world. In the trunk, those who starve, believe there are forces at work. Alien gods. Alien corruption. Alien aliases for the very real. “People don’t change into something they’re already not,” Kellerman. “And they don’t discover what they don’t already believe,” she said, hungry. -Beatrice.
SOURCES
Emilia Pérez by Jacques Audiard
Lovecraft, The Shadow Over Innsmouth
Reinventing Communication 